Sobriety, Conflict, And Influence

As the recovering addict claws and fights their way through each new day, they are likely to face new challenges - not the least of which is attempting to make amends for those that we had wronged. It is within this context that we, as alcoholics, have to look at two aspects of our new lifestyle of sobriety: Conflict and Influence.

Having covered much of this in previous entries from the perspective of conflict with others and how our previous influences have poisoned our ability to function, I feel it necessary to take an intellectually honest look at internal conflict and how the influence of others can be detrimental to the viewpoints of those that desired for us to be sober.

One of the struggles that the recovering addict will face - regardless of their substance of choice - is that they must gain mastery over what I have termed "the duality of space-time relationships". That is, those in recovery will find it equally difficult to show how their continued success is relevant to those that were the enablers in their previous lives as well as those that claimed to desire a sober existence for them.

The enablers can be divided into two categories - those that understand the need for a person's recovery based on their own latent desire for such, or that they wish to maintain some semblance of a relationship without compromising their own lifestyle. Both of these groups have their negative aspects as well as their positive ones. While the former can and have been shown to live vicariously through the sober lifestyle of their friends in order to validate a minimal aspect of their daily walk, the later can offer nothing more than rank hypocrisy and continue to be a subtle tempter.

But are the enablers really the ones that can be most harmful to the recovering addict? This question needs to be met with another - is the addict truly aware of those that have honest wishes when it comes to recovery? Moreover, are we surrounding ourselves with those that we can identify with or simply think we can?

Some of the addicts most intimate relationships may have been predicated on false pretenses - that their significant other could have simply been ignoring the usage purely because of their own inner conflicts and influences that should have been examined some time ago. It is this group that can be just as harmful to the recovering addict than anyone within the enabling set.

The problem that the addict will ultimately face is trying to mend an intimate relationship with someone that has severed said connection based not on their own better angels of nature but by succumbing to poisonous influence of others. The irony of this is that the sober partner has, in none too insignificant of ways, become their own struggling addict - the advice and suggestions of others outside their sphere of understanding being the drug of choice.

And unlike the addict being approached by those that utilize honest care and desire, it is unwise for the recovering addict to approach those they once shared an intimate connection with. This is due to to nature of each addiction and each individual recovery process. The addict that used a tangible substance has to resist temptation and understand the adverse affects of said tangible substance, while the "victim" of another person's addiction may have to face a recovery from an intangible substance that can be equally as devastating. And while both processes of recovery may dovetail, they are essentially two disparate acts that have to be faced by the individual.

If the addict in recovery attempts to show how they are progressing, the other may attempt to maintain some level of conflict due to the nature of being a victim of another's addiction. The best course of action is for the recovering addict to distance themselves as much as possible from a former intimate that has embraced the culture of victimhood as their own addictive substance. This sort of conflict could, and has, resulted in relapse of those in recovery.

So what does it mean to put away the things of one's past in order to resolve conflict? Does this constitute "running away"? I would wager that many that are outside viewers of addiction recovery would opt for the affirmative in this instance. The common colloquialism that "AA Is For Quitters" immediately springs to mind. This is something that the recovering addict and the two classifications of enablers need to not only accept but come to understand. The most difficult aspect of this area of recovery is that the addict, when faced with a loved one that has given in to outside influence that is against their better interest, will potentially have to dispose of a great deal of mental and emotional inventory.

Sobriety comes with a hefty price in many cases, and removing those that enabled us is not necessarily it. Seeing a loved one consumed by their own victimhood, due to poisonous influence and a desire to maintain conflict, can be a painful process to endure. But is the recovering addict simply falling prey to projection, that they are wanting to see those that pushed us away as a problematic aspect of our lives? This is certainly something that should not be discounted. This is the Catch 22 aspect of the "duality of space-time relationships". We, as addicts, could be wanting to expedite the recovery process to such a degree that we may be willing to offer excuses for other's behavior in favor of patients and careful understanding of the conflicts within ourselves.

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Finding a track that encompassed the themes in this post was more difficult than I first imagined. How does one encapsulate the pain and confusion of attempting to do away with the things of the past that we once cared for in order to heal ourselves, and what happens when we give into temptation to hold onto them?

I think this song from Big Wreck works in a rather appropriate fashion:

Blown Wide Open