Wishes Vs. Baited Breath

Over the course of the previous week, I have been meditating over several topics, the chief of which is whether or not those connected - directly or indirectly - to the recovering addict are hoping they do not fall into relapse or are doing nothing but placing bets at when it will happen so they might retain the lion share of the bragging rights amongst their fellows in said category.

My previous post has been met with some rather stiff consternation, so it would not surprise me if this post followed suit quite nicely. But with that being said, it is not, nor has it ever, been my desire to coax such responses from others. The contrary is quite what I'm looking for - people to take what I am postulating within this digital landscape and place it along their own notions, conceived within the confines of whatever their mental alignment may be at this point in their lives, in order to catalyze an internal ( and possibly an external ) debate that will challenge the very notion of addiction, recovery, and how Modern America has embraced 12-Step Culture.

With that out of the way, let us continue.........

The recovering addict is faced with the challenge of making sense of those that are actively hoping for them to make a recovery ( which is generally never a "full" one ) and those that simply can't be bothered with such aspects of life that don't directly concern them.

The former is a group - much like the previous post - that can be divided into a variety of categories. But for the sake of brevity, we will use two diametrically opposed groups that those in recovery must grapple with: those that will fight through recovery with us and those that will give up on us within a short timeline because they are too wrapped up in wanting us to fail.

Let's take these both on:

Like friends that we have that will stand shoulder to shoulder with us in a variety of scenarios, those that stand along with us within the recovery process are part of the "true friend" column. They offer us a place to stay, help us find employment if necessary, prevent us from purchasing or drinking alcohol, and even confront us in what some might perceive a vicious fashion. Then again, our family - if they are even worth their salt - could very well act in the same accord.

What I have discovered as part of my personal recovery is that family - in strictly the technical sense - won't always be there for you. There are far too many that are constrained by their own preconceived notions born of pop-culture referents that prefer to play the role of "moral advocate" rather than one that cares for anyone in recovery. More succinctly, they favor judgemental posturing in order to curry favor with a select few.

This, however, isn't exclusive to traditional families. It does extend, and quite easily, to those that we very well may have considered our closest confidants.

There are very few people in our lives that would actually step up and help us out when we face the toughest challenges of life. This isn't to say that those that we value as "friends" lack merit, but it must be stated in the most explicit and clear of terms that those we surround ourselves with at present will not be there for us "tomorrow".

So how do we distinguish between those that are simply waiting for us to fail and those that aren't? For each of us in recovery, this is a question that requires patience and internal reflection. In other words, we must get past our own insecurities in order to understand those around us.

Who are those around you that you trust?

Who are those around you that you don't trust?

Could it be that there are those within each category that could be transferred into the other when we disregard reactionary posturing?

Perhaps.

How are we, as recovering addicts, to determine what is faith, hope, and charity and what isn't? This should be an easy query to face, but that does not always hold true.

The danger that we face is the burning of proverbial bridges en masse in order to isolate ourselves. This is a typical defense mechanism of the recovering addict - lock yourself into a mode where no one can touch you and hopefully everything will work itself out.

This does not work.

One of the primary aspects of the recovery process is learning who will and who won't be a hindrance to us - be it familial bonds or otherwise.

But we, as recovering addicts, can't fool ourselves into thinking that any and all of our actions are without reproach when surrounded by those that truly believe that we can reach a level of healing that returns us to our better nature.

We cannot take for granted those that truly care. They are few and far between.

The real and palpable danger when dealing with those we believe have nothing more than a desire to revel in our failure - regardless of how great that failure might be - is how we disconnect ourselves from them. Do we confront them about their destructive machinations or do we cut all ties with them and do our best to learn from what has transpired? The truth is that each of us must face these challenges alone. And this is something that the followers of traditional 12-Step Culture will deny - that there are facets of recovery that are done on a singular level.

Make no mistake, there are those that may appear to wish for nothing but our destruction, but they lack the perspective on what it means to be an addict - regardless of your drug of choice. And while we may be tempted to part company with those, we must find that careful balance of being able to show them what it truly means to lack sufficient control mechanisms which would have kept us away from such destructive behavior and maintaining our own composure in order not to use again in the face of what appears to us to be the enemy of our sobriety.

Not everyone that we connected with over the years, both prior to our addiction and once we realized that we needed help, is there to aid and comfort us as a friend and an ally within the recovery process. Learning how to separate these two factions is one of the most challenging and painful aspects on the journey toward sobriety, and one that I struggle with constantly.

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Finding a track that works well with this post was the most difficult so far, but I think I nailed it:

Dagoba - The Things Within