Idle Hands And Racing Thoughts

One of the less desirable aspects of recovery is having to deal with previous actions. In my case, hitting bottom meant a DUI, having to remain in jail for 5 days, and losing my job. And while those repercussions can be reconciled with time and effort, the loss of family and home can be and all too often are the most devastating to the recovering addict.

My case is no exception, as all the above mentioned are rolled into a singularity. I have lost it all.

There was a project that was done during my stint in rehab that required the individual to chose one item from a series of 10 that represented what was most important to them. Of all listed, I chose family. And in light of my relapse, I have to ask why it was that I apparently ignored that which was most dear to me.

The addict, whether it be alcohol as in my case, has a great deal of time on their hands once they have been put into a situation where they may not be able to move about freely in society due to loss of licence or incarceration. This creates an atmosphere where time almost literally slows to a crawl, but their thought processes are amplified to the Nth degree. They seemingly have nothing to do but reflect on the past, their addiction, and what it cost them.

It is within this context that the recovering addict has to find a balance within themselves - as spending too much time wondering where it all went wrong and postulating on what could or couldn't have been done will ultimately lead to the temptation to use again.

I have experienced this, and still do on many occasions.

12-Step Culture will tell the recovering addict that they have to move on to Step 2:

Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity

Considering the particular dogma that 12-Step Culture operates with, it's almost as if Step 1 and Step 2 are in contradiction with one another to more than a slight degree.

The first Step tells those in recovery that their drug of choice wields a power greater than them, and then promptly tells them in Step 2 that they must find a power greater than themselves in order to find some semblance of sanity.

Perhaps it is my own reasoning skills, flawed though they have been over time, but far too many addicts - whatever their drug of choice is - get caught into a continuing spiral of usage because of the interconnectedness of Steps 1 and 2. The addict, perhaps fresh off of heavy usage, lacks the ability to understand the circular logical that that is threaded through each of the "Steps".

It is with this - the radically shifting thought processes of the addict - in mind that we have to understand that the old adage about "idle hands" rings true. If the addict, through honest recovery, wishes to find someone or something to assist them, they need to only look at their past - what they did prior to full blown addiction - and to their future - what they wish to hold onto that hadn't enabled them in their usage - to see what is "greater than themselves".

This is no easy task, even though 12-Step Culture has structured their intended goals to appear as such, as the addict must be able to choose for themselves what to use as their specific recovery tool. It can be the addicts children, their wife or husband, their friends that were not users, or even that small, still voice inside them that helped them move forward with a given goal or set of goals.

My personal recovery tool is writing. The purging of thoughts and emotions onto a digital landscape allows me to reflect on the immediacy of my disease and how remaining on the path of sobriety shouldn't be compromised. But this is not without it's own unique set of obstacles.

Balance, above all, is what the recovering addict needs. They may need to, like many have, remove themselves to such a degree where culture shock is induced. This could be in the form of moving in with family, living in an apartment in a new town, or even a new state. Environment is important to those in recovery, as remaining stagnant and in a location that causes the resurgence of poisonous memories can and has resulted into further relapse.

Movement, both literal and metaphorical, is one of the most effective tool in true recovery. At times, we have to realize that our true and honest goals, our healthy desires, are the power that we need to hold onto. Searching for that person that we used to be is certainly a power that can lift us from addiction.

------------------------------

This track from TOOL has always spoken to me in a special way. The shadow - at least the concept of the malevolent shadow - is a perfect descriptor of what has slowly eaten away my life.