Over the course of the previous week, I have been meditating over several topics, the chief of which is whether or not those connected - directly or indirectly - to the recovering addict are hoping they do not fall into relapse or are doing nothing but placing bets at when it will happen so they might retain the lion share of the bragging rights amongst their fellows in said category.
My previous post has been met with some rather stiff consternation, so it would not surprise me if this post followed suit quite nicely. But with that being said, it is not, nor has it ever, been my desire to coax such responses from others. The contrary is quite what I'm looking for - people to take what I am postulating within this digital landscape and place it along their own notions, conceived within the confines of whatever their mental alignment may be at this point in their lives, in order to catalyze an internal ( and possibly an external ) debate that will challenge the very notion of addiction, recovery, and how Modern America has embraced 12-Step Culture.
With that out of the way, let us continue.........
The recovering addict is faced with the challenge of making sense of those that are actively hoping for them to make a recovery ( which is generally never a "full" one ) and those that simply can't be bothered with such aspects of life that don't directly concern them.
The former is a group - much like the previous post - that can be divided into a variety of categories. But for the sake of brevity, we will use two diametrically opposed groups that those in recovery must grapple with: those that will fight through recovery with us and those that will give up on us within a short timeline because they are too wrapped up in wanting us to fail.
Let's take these both on:
Like friends that we have that will stand shoulder to shoulder with us in a variety of scenarios, those that stand along with us within the recovery process are part of the "true friend" column. They offer us a place to stay, help us find employment if necessary, prevent us from purchasing or drinking alcohol, and even confront us in what some might perceive a vicious fashion. Then again, our family - if they are even worth their salt - could very well act in the same accord.
What I have discovered as part of my personal recovery is that family - in strictly the technical sense - won't always be there for you. There are far too many that are constrained by their own preconceived notions born of pop-culture referents that prefer to play the role of "moral advocate" rather than one that cares for anyone in recovery. More succinctly, they favor judgemental posturing in order to curry favor with a select few.
This, however, isn't exclusive to traditional families. It does extend, and quite easily, to those that we very well may have considered our closest confidants.
There are very few people in our lives that would actually step up and help us out when we face the toughest challenges of life. This isn't to say that those that we value as "friends" lack merit, but it must be stated in the most explicit and clear of terms that those we surround ourselves with at present will not be there for us "tomorrow".
So how do we distinguish between those that are simply waiting for us to fail and those that aren't? For each of us in recovery, this is a question that requires patience and internal reflection. In other words, we must get past our own insecurities in order to understand those around us.
Who are those around you that you trust?
Who are those around you that you don't trust?
Could it be that there are those within each category that could be transferred into the other when we disregard reactionary posturing?
Perhaps.
How are we, as recovering addicts, to determine what is faith, hope, and charity and what isn't? This should be an easy query to face, but that does not always hold true.
The danger that we face is the burning of proverbial bridges en masse in order to isolate ourselves. This is a typical defense mechanism of the recovering addict - lock yourself into a mode where no one can touch you and hopefully everything will work itself out.
This does not work.
One of the primary aspects of the recovery process is learning who will and who won't be a hindrance to us - be it familial bonds or otherwise.
But we, as recovering addicts, can't fool ourselves into thinking that any and all of our actions are without reproach when surrounded by those that truly believe that we can reach a level of healing that returns us to our better nature.
We cannot take for granted those that truly care. They are few and far between.
The real and palpable danger when dealing with those we believe have nothing more than a desire to revel in our failure - regardless of how great that failure might be - is how we disconnect ourselves from them. Do we confront them about their destructive machinations or do we cut all ties with them and do our best to learn from what has transpired? The truth is that each of us must face these challenges alone. And this is something that the followers of traditional 12-Step Culture will deny - that there are facets of recovery that are done on a singular level.
Make no mistake, there are those that may appear to wish for nothing but our destruction, but they lack the perspective on what it means to be an addict - regardless of your drug of choice. And while we may be tempted to part company with those, we must find that careful balance of being able to show them what it truly means to lack sufficient control mechanisms which would have kept us away from such destructive behavior and maintaining our own composure in order not to use again in the face of what appears to us to be the enemy of our sobriety.
Not everyone that we connected with over the years, both prior to our addiction and once we realized that we needed help, is there to aid and comfort us as a friend and an ally within the recovery process. Learning how to separate these two factions is one of the most challenging and painful aspects on the journey toward sobriety, and one that I struggle with constantly.
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Finding a track that works well with this post was the most difficult so far, but I think I nailed it:
Dagoba - The Things Within
Saturday, October 22, 2011
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
Sobriety, Conflict, And Influence
As the recovering addict claws and fights their way through each new day, they are likely to face new challenges - not the least of which is attempting to make amends for those that we had wronged. It is within this context that we, as alcoholics, have to look at two aspects of our new lifestyle of sobriety: Conflict and Influence.
Having covered much of this in previous entries from the perspective of conflict with others and how our previous influences have poisoned our ability to function, I feel it necessary to take an intellectually honest look at internal conflict and how the influence of others can be detrimental to the viewpoints of those that desired for us to be sober.
One of the struggles that the recovering addict will face - regardless of their substance of choice - is that they must gain mastery over what I have termed "the duality of space-time relationships". That is, those in recovery will find it equally difficult to show how their continued success is relevant to those that were the enablers in their previous lives as well as those that claimed to desire a sober existence for them.
The enablers can be divided into two categories - those that understand the need for a person's recovery based on their own latent desire for such, or that they wish to maintain some semblance of a relationship without compromising their own lifestyle. Both of these groups have their negative aspects as well as their positive ones. While the former can and have been shown to live vicariously through the sober lifestyle of their friends in order to validate a minimal aspect of their daily walk, the later can offer nothing more than rank hypocrisy and continue to be a subtle tempter.
But are the enablers really the ones that can be most harmful to the recovering addict? This question needs to be met with another - is the addict truly aware of those that have honest wishes when it comes to recovery? Moreover, are we surrounding ourselves with those that we can identify with or simply think we can?
Some of the addicts most intimate relationships may have been predicated on false pretenses - that their significant other could have simply been ignoring the usage purely because of their own inner conflicts and influences that should have been examined some time ago. It is this group that can be just as harmful to the recovering addict than anyone within the enabling set.
The problem that the addict will ultimately face is trying to mend an intimate relationship with someone that has severed said connection based not on their own better angels of nature but by succumbing to poisonous influence of others. The irony of this is that the sober partner has, in none too insignificant of ways, become their own struggling addict - the advice and suggestions of others outside their sphere of understanding being the drug of choice.
And unlike the addict being approached by those that utilize honest care and desire, it is unwise for the recovering addict to approach those they once shared an intimate connection with. This is due to to nature of each addiction and each individual recovery process. The addict that used a tangible substance has to resist temptation and understand the adverse affects of said tangible substance, while the "victim" of another person's addiction may have to face a recovery from an intangible substance that can be equally as devastating. And while both processes of recovery may dovetail, they are essentially two disparate acts that have to be faced by the individual.
If the addict in recovery attempts to show how they are progressing, the other may attempt to maintain some level of conflict due to the nature of being a victim of another's addiction. The best course of action is for the recovering addict to distance themselves as much as possible from a former intimate that has embraced the culture of victimhood as their own addictive substance. This sort of conflict could, and has, resulted in relapse of those in recovery.
So what does it mean to put away the things of one's past in order to resolve conflict? Does this constitute "running away"? I would wager that many that are outside viewers of addiction recovery would opt for the affirmative in this instance. The common colloquialism that "AA Is For Quitters" immediately springs to mind. This is something that the recovering addict and the two classifications of enablers need to not only accept but come to understand. The most difficult aspect of this area of recovery is that the addict, when faced with a loved one that has given in to outside influence that is against their better interest, will potentially have to dispose of a great deal of mental and emotional inventory.
Sobriety comes with a hefty price in many cases, and removing those that enabled us is not necessarily it. Seeing a loved one consumed by their own victimhood, due to poisonous influence and a desire to maintain conflict, can be a painful process to endure. But is the recovering addict simply falling prey to projection, that they are wanting to see those that pushed us away as a problematic aspect of our lives? This is certainly something that should not be discounted. This is the Catch 22 aspect of the "duality of space-time relationships". We, as addicts, could be wanting to expedite the recovery process to such a degree that we may be willing to offer excuses for other's behavior in favor of patients and careful understanding of the conflicts within ourselves.
---------------------------------------------------
Finding a track that encompassed the themes in this post was more difficult than I first imagined. How does one encapsulate the pain and confusion of attempting to do away with the things of the past that we once cared for in order to heal ourselves, and what happens when we give into temptation to hold onto them?
I think this song from Big Wreck works in a rather appropriate fashion:
Blown Wide Open
Having covered much of this in previous entries from the perspective of conflict with others and how our previous influences have poisoned our ability to function, I feel it necessary to take an intellectually honest look at internal conflict and how the influence of others can be detrimental to the viewpoints of those that desired for us to be sober.
One of the struggles that the recovering addict will face - regardless of their substance of choice - is that they must gain mastery over what I have termed "the duality of space-time relationships". That is, those in recovery will find it equally difficult to show how their continued success is relevant to those that were the enablers in their previous lives as well as those that claimed to desire a sober existence for them.
The enablers can be divided into two categories - those that understand the need for a person's recovery based on their own latent desire for such, or that they wish to maintain some semblance of a relationship without compromising their own lifestyle. Both of these groups have their negative aspects as well as their positive ones. While the former can and have been shown to live vicariously through the sober lifestyle of their friends in order to validate a minimal aspect of their daily walk, the later can offer nothing more than rank hypocrisy and continue to be a subtle tempter.
But are the enablers really the ones that can be most harmful to the recovering addict? This question needs to be met with another - is the addict truly aware of those that have honest wishes when it comes to recovery? Moreover, are we surrounding ourselves with those that we can identify with or simply think we can?
Some of the addicts most intimate relationships may have been predicated on false pretenses - that their significant other could have simply been ignoring the usage purely because of their own inner conflicts and influences that should have been examined some time ago. It is this group that can be just as harmful to the recovering addict than anyone within the enabling set.
The problem that the addict will ultimately face is trying to mend an intimate relationship with someone that has severed said connection based not on their own better angels of nature but by succumbing to poisonous influence of others. The irony of this is that the sober partner has, in none too insignificant of ways, become their own struggling addict - the advice and suggestions of others outside their sphere of understanding being the drug of choice.
And unlike the addict being approached by those that utilize honest care and desire, it is unwise for the recovering addict to approach those they once shared an intimate connection with. This is due to to nature of each addiction and each individual recovery process. The addict that used a tangible substance has to resist temptation and understand the adverse affects of said tangible substance, while the "victim" of another person's addiction may have to face a recovery from an intangible substance that can be equally as devastating. And while both processes of recovery may dovetail, they are essentially two disparate acts that have to be faced by the individual.
If the addict in recovery attempts to show how they are progressing, the other may attempt to maintain some level of conflict due to the nature of being a victim of another's addiction. The best course of action is for the recovering addict to distance themselves as much as possible from a former intimate that has embraced the culture of victimhood as their own addictive substance. This sort of conflict could, and has, resulted in relapse of those in recovery.
So what does it mean to put away the things of one's past in order to resolve conflict? Does this constitute "running away"? I would wager that many that are outside viewers of addiction recovery would opt for the affirmative in this instance. The common colloquialism that "AA Is For Quitters" immediately springs to mind. This is something that the recovering addict and the two classifications of enablers need to not only accept but come to understand. The most difficult aspect of this area of recovery is that the addict, when faced with a loved one that has given in to outside influence that is against their better interest, will potentially have to dispose of a great deal of mental and emotional inventory.
Sobriety comes with a hefty price in many cases, and removing those that enabled us is not necessarily it. Seeing a loved one consumed by their own victimhood, due to poisonous influence and a desire to maintain conflict, can be a painful process to endure. But is the recovering addict simply falling prey to projection, that they are wanting to see those that pushed us away as a problematic aspect of our lives? This is certainly something that should not be discounted. This is the Catch 22 aspect of the "duality of space-time relationships". We, as addicts, could be wanting to expedite the recovery process to such a degree that we may be willing to offer excuses for other's behavior in favor of patients and careful understanding of the conflicts within ourselves.
---------------------------------------------------
Finding a track that encompassed the themes in this post was more difficult than I first imagined. How does one encapsulate the pain and confusion of attempting to do away with the things of the past that we once cared for in order to heal ourselves, and what happens when we give into temptation to hold onto them?
I think this song from Big Wreck works in a rather appropriate fashion:
Blown Wide Open
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